The Sweet Smell of....failure: Dismal Failure

For many who know me, I am not the most creative spouse gift picker outer. I will start out with a disclaimer, I love my wife. She is smart and beautiful. She is an amazing hard worker and drove herself home from the hospital (45 miles in nasty traffic) 26 hours after giving birth to a 9 pound 8 ounce baby. Seriously, the nurse that walked us out must have thought we were on crack. If it ever became necessary to move across the plains with hand carts and wagons, she would be an asset. She is possibly the most stubborn woman on the face of the earth and refuses to admit it. But that is why I love her.

So it is only natural that during holidays she be given the greatest gifts. Although this is not an impossible task, it is challenging. I have always enjoyed a challenge, like the time my platoon had to plan and conduct a raid on five houses at once in a 1 squarish block area with only four squads. The challenge was met by adding the company mortar section. It was still a challenge, but easy to solve. How bad is it when combat operations in Iraq are easier to solve then Christmas shopping for my wife?

Emily mentioned that she wanted a specific perfume, one that I am not so fond of. But of course, it is not about me. So we conducted a forced family outing to the mall. The mall was full of Christmas spirit, and by that I of course mean that was the spirit of UFC Mixed Martial Arts fighting. So I went to the Macy's, where I didn't like the service. Out of principle I left and went to Sears, where they do not have a perfume counter where a "professional" could help me. Sears does have a great tool department and I considered getting Emily the torque wrench she has wanted for years. But I decided I better just get her what she wanted. So we walked to the other end of the mall to Dillards, which looks just like Macy's.

It was there that Olivia, Vance, and I began the arduous task of picking out perfume. Wait, you may ask, "why would you pick out a perfume if she told you what she wanted?" That is a perfectly legitimate question with a great answer. I am slow. If you remember, I am not a fan of the smell she wanted so we did a triple blind scent test. I would hold up a sample card and the kids would smell it, if they liked it I would place it back in the pile. Eventually we narrowed it down. Many women thought that this was sweet, the way we as a family picked it out. A loving husband and children carefully selecting the scent that was the most pleasing without using an olfactometer.

Being the rocket surgeon that I am, I devised a scheme to see if we had done good. I kept the smell card and casually asked Emily what she thought of it. You guessed it, not only did she not like the smell, she reminded me of the odor she wanted. Being the king of good intentions, I had already purchased it and let the kids pick out the wrapping paper.

There I was, the king of good intentions with my fancy paver creating yet another road to hell. My punishment was having to go back to the mall, exchanging the other odor for the right smell and having it rewrapped so the kids would notice.

AAAAHHHHHH, the holidays

Distracted Drivers

It is time to finish my report on the Holiday Season. Since I am back at work and finally getting some rest following a vacation, I have some time to think and write. For me, the Holiday Season is off track, it has become too commercial. It is really sad that a day that is set aside to commemorate the birth of a very significant person has become a gauge of the nation’s economic situation. So in an attempt to try to center my family on what is the most important aspect, Emily and I decided we would take the children to see the Festival of Lights at the LDS Washington D.C. Temple. With more than 450,000 lights, a live nativity (when it is not snowy and cold), and 16 decorated trees in the Visitor’s Center. All this work is done by volunteers to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas.

Although the drive is only about 150 miles it can take 4 or so hours depending on how good the traffic is. By the time we drive back it is always a full day. In order to soften the pain, we make a slight detour off of the I-95 corridor to visit some friends from Alaska that now live in the D.C. area. They have four kids that parallel ours in age and have known each other since they can remember. It is fun but chaotic to have 8 kids in a house, they love it though.

For this trip we left the house at about 9 A.M. to arrive at Woodbridge at 1 P.M. We were going to leave our friend’s at 3 P.M. in order to meet my mother who was driving south from New York. When I called my mother, she said she was 70 miles away; we were 40 miles away from the Temple. As soon as we hit the beltway, traffic came to a halt. It took us over 3 hours to drive 40 miles.

As usual, the lights were fabulous and my kids were not. Below is a picture of my daughter. Vance is clearly not participating and Olivia was cold.

We briefly conversed with my mother and hit the road. But since the kids had not eaten since much earlier, we stopped for some food and drove back to the beltway, as I was driving up the ramp I knew we were done; we got to enjoy another festival of lights.

I apologize for the blurred pictures, some guy on a cell phone cut me off and I had to hit the brakes just as I was taking the picture. I hate distracted drivers! We enjoyed these lights and did not get home until after midnight.

AAAAHHHH the spirit of Christmas!!!

I Lost a Child!

I would like to start off this post with an amazing fact. The fact is about 1 year ago, I weighed in at 243 pounds. It was not muscle. A few weeks ago I weighed in at 213 pounds. That is thirty pounds. Just think about that. Now look at the picture below.

That is Simon, who needed a lift. He weighs about 34 pounds I have lost almost a 2 year old child’s worth of fat. Where did I keep it, obviously the weight was not on my left leg like Simon. Where was it? Check it out for yourself.

My Head

Two peas in a pod?

Anyway, here is a more recent photo (and a shameless ploy to show off a deer). Pretty amazing.

Me, not the deer (although that is pretty amazing too). My head is not nearly as fat.

I never thought I would have a weight issue, then one day I awakened and my clothes didn't fit. It is amazing to be lighter again and the pain in my knees has subsided. The secret, don't eat a bag of chips and a ton of soda everyday if you find yourself sitting behind a desk all day.

Holiday Spirit

Today I started my Christmas shopping. Since I only shop for Emily it should be an easy task. The only problem is that she never wants anything. That is probably a quality that many men would like in a woman. I say that it is a pain. I am easy to shop for the following is a list of things I would want for Christmas:

1. A new iPod with the 160 GB

2. A set of new grips for my mountain bike

3. Another mountain bike (if you could not find new grips)

4. New Baggie biking shorts (I like Endura products)

5. A gun (not picky but an Assault Rifle is preferred)

6. Rock Band for the X BOX 360 so the kids and I can live my Partridge Family fantasy

7. A torque wrench for my bike (in/lbs)

8. Winter riding gloves

9. Warm weather full finger riding gloves (Specialized BG gloves are great)

10. Insulated/windproof riding tights

11. A knife (any length as long as it cuts stuff)

12. A remote control car (several or I would have to share with the kids)

13. A Grill (who doesn't want a set of diamond studded teeth?)

14. A Grill (to cook meat on)

15. An i Tunes card so I can fill my i Pod with 160 GB of stuff

16. Outdoor speakers

17. A bacon variety pack of Daily's Bacon

18. Chips and Salsa (Medium, I am sensitive)

19. Bicycle shoe covers to keep my toes warm

20. New Allen wrenches

I will stop at 20 because I think I have made my point. I am easy to shop for. Emily on the other hand is not. For our 11th anniversary, she said she wanted diamond earrings. No problem, Olivia and I went out in search of diamond earrings. Emily specifically stated she wanted a 1/4 karat. I don't know what she expected, so I conducted a test. I casually suggested that I get Emily a bike, she said "no that would cost at least $600." I began to sweat profusely, I had officially done wrong. Olivia and I both had agreed that you could barely see 1/4 karat (total weight) diamond earrings and we chose the 1/2 karat. We had also spent about $600, a price to which she clearly had rejected (at least in the form of a bike). It was too late, as the king of good intentions I had also paid extra to put screw on backs on the earrings. Then she opened them and said "those are bigger then I expected." She doesn't wear them because they hurt her ears. So I have pretty much eliminated jewelry from the list.

For her birthday I bought her some shirts, but since she has many shirts she doesn't wear them often. She will not be getting clothes. I was thinking about lingerie, but that is more of a gift for me. So there I was, wandering the store looking for something that would not be too expensive or too insignificant. It was at that point that I made a number of observations.

1. I hate Christmas from the standpoint that it is way to commercial (unless you are getting me something, then it is just the spirit of the season)

2. I hate people, maybe hate is a strong word, but so is my hatred for people.

3. There is no such thing as holiday spirit. Unless by holiday spirit you mean the spirit that drives people to trample over others to get the last set of headphones that are on sale. To that I say "I don't care if you have a walker with tennis balls on the legs, you better move faster because I got the last set of headphones that were on sale!!"

After a failed attempt at purchasing a adequate gift (by adequate I of course mean something she wants that is not to expensive or stupid) I decided to go to the commissary on Fort Lee to purchase some California Rolls and a Red Bull. By the way, wasabi and Red Bull don't go well together. As I was walking in I ran into a co-worker who stated that he had walked through the door, saw the commotion, did an about face, and walked out. I did not heed to his warning and purchasing lunch proved to be a mistake (the commissary, not the wasabi/Red Bull mix) and I should have turned around when a friend told me to run away.

Instead I found myself fighting through people who were stocking up for both Christmas entertaining (which is not all that entertaining) and for the expected snow this weekend. Every register was open and the line extended half way around the store. Seriously, it was bad. So I naturally went to the shortest line which turned out to be a self check out line. I quickly found out why it was the shortest line. A piece of cardboard was stuck to the self check out line. It said:

"This register don't take cash or debit"

I thought, well if it "don't" take cash or debit I will just use the credit card and get the hell out of here. There was one flaw to this, the old guy at the self check out! (queue ominous music)

I am assuming that every one is familiar or has at least seen a self check out isle. Like the ATM it was created for both the convenience of the customer and to save the business from having to employ several people. Unlike the ATM it is neither convenient for the customer and they require people to help because they are hard to use. Additionally, I pay the same for the food whether some guy checks me out or if I do it. I should at least get some money knocked off for my labor.

Back to the old guy, it is clear that he had not used a computer since, well probably since computer monitors ceased to monochrome. So there I stood holding my Red Bull and sushi while he tried to figure out how to ring up 6 items. At one point he rang up some bananas wrong. The computer voice told him to put them in the bag. He then began to argue with the computer stating that he was not putting them in the bag because the were not the right price. Twenty minutes later he finally made it out of there.

Old people should not be able to use self check out at the grocery store! By the way, it is a computer and even though it is talking to you, it cannot understand you so arguing with it only prolongs an already painful experience.

As if that was not bad enough, I decided to take the kids to the mall to shop for a gift. Emily said she wanted some perfume, the problem is that I am not fond of the the smell of that particular type of perfume. So I decided to let the kids help me "surprise" Emily. The fact that the word surprise is in quotes should be a hint for future blogs. As for holiday spirit, there will be more to come. Maybe I should just get her an assault rifle.

Racing to Disaster

Today I took a big step. I decided to ride the Basso to work and I didn’t care if it got dirty. Up to this point it has been hanging on the wall like a knock off Picasso (I prefer Monet, but Picasso rhymes with Basso). It has been raining a lot lately. Not only have I become soft, I know that the residue from the road will get on my white Rolls seat and in every nook and cranny on the bike. I know that at some point I will ride it regularly and the clean, freshly lubed chain will become black with use. That the aluminum chain rings will also get black with grime around the teeth.

Once it gets dirty or a scratch/chip I will have no reservations whatsoever to ride it rain or shine. This leads me to an interesting thought. Humans are peculiar for several reasons. First, we preserve or protect what we seek to harm or destroy. Other times we seek to preserve what should be used. Take the Rocky Mountain Elk Foundation. This organization seeks to protect and preserve elk habitat, allowing them to grow big….so we can kill them. Yellowstone National Park is another example with about 2 million people visiting every year. Although Yellowstone was preserved for our enjoyment, snow machine (sorry I spent time in Alaska) use in the winter is considered polluting and loud. Seriously, with 2 million people visiting we are concerned with noise and pollution?

Anyway, now that I am out of my philosophical mood, so I decided to race to work on my bike (the Basso is geared for racing so I cannot saunter or coast anywhere on it). I would like to say that it was not a good day to have the Basso on the road. True, these circumstances may have been the same no matter what bike I was on. The first happened as I was passing through Lee Avenue Gate onto Fort Lee. No matter how you get on post, you must show identification. So there I was, one foot on the ground and a hand in the air to get my card back from the security officer when I felt a sudden jolt. At first I thought it was my imagination. Then it occurred to me that the man in the car behind me had rolled into my rear wheel. As I said to the security guy “that guy just bumped me, he rolled into me again.” Being that I am a peace loving individual, and buy that I mean to say that I like to avoid confrontation in front of security guards with 9 mm pistols.

So I decided I would follow him to his destination and confront him there. The problem was that he would not drive next to me or past me. So I looked back and saw him turn into the health clinic. I raced (because I have a bike geared for racing) back to find him. I saw his car and noticed two things, one was that my tire mark was on his bumper. Two was that he had a Sergeant Major sticker on his window. Even though I technically out rank a Sergeant Major, they can make my life miserable and they usually are in cahoots with a person that does out rank me. So I girded up my loins when I saw a man that closely resembled a crippled and really old Santa Claus step out of his car. This very well may be his modus operandi, “if I look old and crippled and smell like urine I can get away with anything.” Well he did, I can only imagine how bad it would look if I was yelling at some old guy with handicap plates. So I nicely told him that he should be more careful. He then gave me some stupid excuse as to why he ran into me. Then I raced away to work (because I have a bike geared for racing).

So after a long, boring, and painful day of work, I had my ride to look forward to. I raced away from my office (because I have a bike geared for racing). I tried to make it through a left arrow traffic signal and decided I was not going to make it through no matter how my bike was geared. As I raced to a stop, I did not notice that I had travelled past the big white bar on the road and since I was in the left turn lane I could scoot to the side of the road. Several cars turned past me with no problem. Then the light began to turn amber and a lady in a big Cadillac (no offense to any in-laws that may have driven Cadillac) decided she was going to race through it (apparently her car is also geared for racing). In doing so it was necessary to cut the turn a little where she missed my front wheel by a couple of inches. It is true that I was slightly past the white line, however, I was covered in reflective material and a bright red jacket (which also had reflective material on it).

I have always tried to wear bright colors and use extremely bright lights and reflective gear. Additionally, I obey traffic lights and signs just as I would do in a car. I have not had this many close calls in a single day of my entire life. Well except for those times I was shot at and hit by roadside bombs in Iraq, but you know what I mean.

The Tsunami Holiday Photo

Here are the Holiday photos of the kids. Of course the first is the good, then followed by the not so good but real kids. Click on the picture for a larger version. I cannot believe everyone is smiling in the first photo (Noah excluded). I have a theory that Noah cannot smile due to the size of his neck. He does not have enough muscles in his face to smile and support the additional weight. Also note the presence of a Star Wars Storm Trooper in Simon's hand. He always has something in his hands, typically Hippo. That storm trooper was made in 1977 and has been in the family for 32 years.

The Mistress and Other Random Thoughts

The Mistress

OK, maybe I need to start off by finding a new name for my new bike. The next thing I would like to do is apologize for my Halloween blog, it is full of typographic and grammatical errors. I have found that it is a bad idea to do anything while on Ambien. This is especially true of blogging and Facebook. The next day I discover that I have done something horribly embarrassing and quickly rush to delete any ridiculous comments. In the case of the Halloween blog, I didn't realize I had posted it for a couple of days. That is enough about the Ambien induced ramblings and back to the subject of naming my bike.

If anyone can think of a name that is less suggestive then "The Mistress" please let me know by commenting below, it bothers Emily when I say I am going to spend some quality time with my "Mistress." This bike is possibly the smoothest riding bike I have ever owned.

There is still plenty of room for Olivia's bike at Christmas

Although I am having a hard time getting used to the Italian components (the shifters are set up differently) I will soon get the hang of it. Right now I am having a hard time wanting to get it dirty. Riding it on a wet street would result in road grime getting in groves. For those of you who don't care about bikes, it would be like the first time you spill a 32 ounce Coke in your car. No matter how hard you try, you can never get the Coke out of the groves and the buttons always stick. However, once I get past the grime it is game on. This is similar to getting your first door ding on a new car, after which you will park next to this car at Wal-mart with no reservations.

PeopleofWalMart.com

In fact, it felt weird putting lubricant on the chain. This bike has never been ridden, which is why it has not had oil on the chain. I purchased this bike on 23 October and was able to ride it for the first time on Sunday. Tomorrow I will take it to the battlefield for some miles. That is if it is not raining, mainly because I am a wimp, not because I do not want to get it wet. Once again, please let me know if you can come up with a better name. I am really going after something that passes the ride test. For those who are not familiar with the "ride test," you must be able to say "I am going to ride (insert name of bike here)" without being offensive. I also recommend that you make suggestions while Ambien free. Thanks.