My wife is the greatest. Even though she refuses to send pictures on a regular basis, she is a nice person. We have been married for 12 years and I can honestly say that during that time we have only had two arguments, one was the new big t.v. which I didn’t want. The other was about a fishing trip that she said I could go on but then the day before she said she needed the truck. Even after a month of daily remainders, she still forgot. But she has gotten much better; sometimes she even calls people and tells them that I need to go fishing before I drive her insane. Another neat thing about my wife is that she supports my bike habit even though a meth or crack habit would be cheaper.

It has become a tradition that whenever I reach a milestone in life I get to buy a bike. My Iraq bike is the Salsa Las Cruces.



The next bike I purchase is what I like to call the "I am pretty much signing on for another crap tour overseas.” The first ever Army Officer Captains Retention Incentive bonus purchased the Salsa El Mariachi 29er. I even allowed Emily to purchase a new furnace for the house, mainly so the tire pressure would remain consistent due to temperature changes.

I am not sure why I bought the Basso other than the fact I like it. I call it "the Mistress" which of course Emily dislikes due to the fact that I tell people I am going to go spend some quality time with my "Mistress." I do not know what the big deal is but my wife is #1 in my world.

As soon as I arrived in Pakistan I began shopping for the “Pakistan” bike. I called my local bike shop and he had just the bike for me, the 2011 Giant Anthem X 29er.

He basically said that it would be a great bike for a guy my size (big). Which is basically saying that “based on your size you probably ride like a hippo does ballet, you just hit everything in your way.” Although he has never ridden with me this is true.

Getting back to my nice wife, one day as we spoke on the phone she asked me where I was going to put the fourth bike. We do not have a garage, two are hanging on the wall in the family room, one is in the basement with her bike. It is a reasonable question. My first thought was move kid number four into kid number one’s room and create the BIKE ROOM. I was informed that would not be an option. I then suggested that we get rid of the washer and dryer, further suggesting that Emily go the laundry mat. She did not buy my efficiency argument which basically suggested that she could do 10 loads in the time it takes to do one. I am just trying to help.

This is where it gets really great. She said "maybe if we move the Basso over we can make room on the wall for the new one." She is the greatest wife ever!

The Problem of 1 Ply Toilet Tissue

During this post I will be pushing the limits of decency. The intent is not to discuss a taboo topic but to help you grasp some of the issues that those in the service face daily. As a member of the United States military, I have taken an oath to defend the nation against enemies both foreign and domestic. I am currently deployed to Pakistan in support of Operation Enduring Freedom (Afghanistan for those who may have lived in a cave, no pun intended, for the last 10 years).
There are certain advantages to this location; the biggest difference is the living conditions in Pakistan are far better than that of Iraq or Afghanistan. The drawback of course is living off of the economy, which is military speak for “there is no chow hall so good luck.” The obvious drawback to this is that we get to eat exotic foods, by exotic I mean poorly stored and prepared in less than sanitary conditions. It also means that the water is bad. By bad I mean the tanks at our house currently have green stuff and bugs growing in them.

While Pakistan is considered a high risk environment, I am not afraid of road side bombs, mortars, or rocket attacks. Now I am concerned with another type of explosion, one that can be just as devastating to moral and mental wellbeing. Yes, I am talking about explosive diarrhea. Feel free to continue reading because this blog will not focus on that and I will not go into further detail about color or consistency. But it is important to my post, “the problem with 1 ply toilet paper.” The reason I bring this up is that it is hard for the average person to relate to.

“What” you say, no extra soft quilted multi-ply toilet tissue (ESQMPTT) in Pakistan? The answer is yes but it is hard to find and it is not cheap. I know that is hard to relate when you live in the land of Quilted Northern, but here in the U.S. Embassy, Islamabad, Pakistan we get only the finest (and cheapest) 1 ply tissue. You can actually see through it. Which brings me to the real point, can it actually be cheaper for the government to buy Chuck Norris toilet paper then ESQMPTT. After all, we are spending billions of dollars a year to help Pakistan.

Here is my point, let us say you eat or drink something that seeks to annihilate your large and small intestines. Let us also say that you go to the bathroom at least 8-10 times a day because if you gamble you know the house always wins. Let us say that on average it takes 5 decent wipes (the output breaks the sound barrier based on the sonic boom at the end). Each wipe takes a solid 10 wraps of 1 ply tissue to ensure proper coverage and absorption (after all it is in the liquid form). Then you add the number of Embassy employees, we will round it off at an even 500, most of which are in the same fight whether they are state department of ODRP. So let’s do the math.

Ten times to the john multiplied by 5 decent wipes equals 50 decent wipes.
50 decent wipes multiplied by 10 solid wraps of 1 ply tissue equals 500 solid wraps.
500 solid wraps of 1 ply multiplied by 500 people equals 250,000 solid wraps of 1 ply.
Think about that 250,000 wraps of 1 ply.

Now consider that you could reduce that by half using ESQMPTT. True it would be the same amount of paper overall, but the element of comfort has been added. My point is that we probably go through the same amount of paper whether it is single or ESQMPTT. Plus I believe it would reduce chafing by 30%.

I know that there is possibly a margin of error in my estimates, but no more than +/- 5% but that I wanted to keep you informed of some of the sacrifices service members make to defend our great country.