The Non-Bucket List: The Bucket List I Never Planned On

The hardest part about maintaining a second-rate blog is not a shortage of ideas. It is actually prioritizing the stupidity of my life and trying to determine what to write about. The other day I was enjoying a cool afternoon in the embassy garden. I was thinking about how I ended up here. I was reminiscing about when Emily and I got married and moved to Missoula. If you had told me at that point that I would pack up and leave Montana I would have called you a liar.

As I sat in the garden, I thought about how living in Islamabad was never even on my mind…..ever. It is not that it is a bad place. In fact, if the security situation was a lot better, it would actually be a nice place to visit. But alas, I would not be here if that were the situation. I began to think about the movie "The Bucket List" and all of the things that they had on their list that they wanted to do before they died. Having little initiative and having low expectations I have achieved everything on my bucket list, in case you are wondering they are:

1. Get a job

2. Live past 30

There was no particular order to my bucket list; however, I have managed to achieve both and as a bonus I actually got a girl to marry me!

Living a life of mediocrity has its privileges. Since neither one of those topics are overly exciting to write about I have decided that I would make a list of things I never wanted to do, that I am currently doing and have accomplished with any level of success. I call it my "Non-Bucket List" and will discuss them as I think about them or when they occur.

Today's Non-Bucket List (NBL) is something that most people would probably not plan for. Why would they…..Livestock pooping in my house:

Pakistan is home to exotic animals like goats, cows, chickens, and monkeys. You can probably already see where this is heading. Some very good friends of mine were leaving Pakistan, so naturally I decided to host a party at my house. My house mates focused on details like food, plastic plates, and utensils. I on the other hand focused my attention on getting the guy that walks around town with the goat and the monkey.

I spent the better part of the week obsessing about getting a goat and a monkey for the shindig. At D minus 1, I still did not have a goat or a monkey. I had exhausted all of my contacts in Islamabad. I have experienced pressure before and failure was not an option. I went to a friend and asked if he knew a contact for a goat/monkey man (yes there is more than one). It turned out that Nadeem my tailor knew a monkey/goat guy. All that time and all I had to do, call the guy that makes my suits.

All I really wanted was the monkey; who doesn't like a Monkey that does tricks. The monkey was amazing, it did back flips, played soldier, fell over dead, did amazing pushups, and for a finale walked and sat like a "gentlemen." Following that the monkey was available for photos. Everyone was reluctant to sit next to the monkey, especially since G-Money still has a scar from the last time he went to a party with a monkey. Being the big man that I am went first, I made a crucial mistake; a mistake that I will never make again. As I approached the monkey, I looked at it and smiled. NEVER look a monkey in the eye. It came at me. My fight or flight instincts kicked in and I ran screaming. G-Money then informed me that you should never look a monkey in the eye, after all he has the scar to prove it.

While the "Gentlemen" monkey was entertaining the goat was amazing but relatively boring. It did two tricks; the first was that it stood on very small wood pedestals. The monkey/goat guy would put another block on and the goat would balance. The second trick was that it crapped on my floor, which seemed to get more laughs than anything. That was pretty much it for the goat. Below are the pictures.

What social gathering would be complete without goat crap on the floor?

Hot or Not: queue the crying game

I have seriously neglected this blog. I apologize to my mom, since she is most likely the only one that reads this. “Sorry Mom.”

That out of the way, it has been a while since I have posted, this is due to the fact that I sent my computer in for repair and HP lost it. Since most of my time at work is spent pushing paper around I do not really have time to blog.

There is no shortage of material since I attract awkward situations. Admittedly some of it is the result of being a big dumb animal, the rest is purely circumstantial. Take last night for instance. I had some friends over for pizza and a movie. What could be awkward about that? Let me tell you……..

I called the local Pizza Hut, (yes it is an actual Pizza Hut) to order, which is always difficult because I speak Montana English and they speak Pakistan English. This leads to what we refer to as “satisfraction” as we get a “Paksimile” of Pizza Hut (an explanation of these terms will be in a future post). Thirty minutes plus twenty minutes or so later I get a phone call from the pizza delivery guy stating that stating that he is at the gate and my guard won’t let him in.

I pay the pizza man and then we go to great discussion about how I ordered diet Pepsi and that he brought regular Pepsi. I finally realized that the customer is not right and accepted the regular Pepsi, complete “satisfraction.” We eat most of the pizza, completely ignoring the one that has a swirl of mayonnaise, again pizza here is a perfect example of a “Paksimile.”

Let’s fast forward to Monday morning. The first awkward event occurs at 4:34 a.m. when my phone chirps. It is a text message that states “Mr brant u r very beautiful man.” While this message would alarm the average person, I rolled over and went back to sleep thinking it was a friend from work; it is common for us to cold call people and harass them at night.

The second awkward event occured when I woke up several hours later. I went to the kitchen where I was greeted by my cook, Niamot. Niamot takes very good care of us, mainly because we pay him. The morning routine starts with him offering me a “Paksimile” of a smoothie; he calls it big power, as in “you must drink big power.” Instead I was greeted as if I was a cheating spouse that just got caught with lipstick on my collar. “You ordered Pizza Hut, what was wrong with the pizza I made you?” I replied that we had many people over and that we needed more pizza. The flaw with that was that no one touched his pizza. He then asked me what I wanted for lunch which is usually the second discussion of the morning. I being the big dumb animal said “just pack me some pizza; we have a ton left over.” He asked me which pizza I wanted; mistake number two I responded with “There is a ton of Pizza Hut left, just give me a couple of slices.” Now I am really in the dog house.

Fast forward a couple of hours. I approach my friend at work and said “hey, thanks for the text at 4:34 a.m.” He looked at me strange. There was an awkward silence and I went out to look at the message. I didn’t recognize the number, so I called it. There was no answer so I went to work. Then I ate my controversial pizza for lunch.

After a grueling day of shredding paper and making coffee, a friend and I went to dinner, tempting fate because our cook’s food will remain untouched (I cannot wait for tomorrow morning). I told her about the text, she laughed and told me to call it again. I got no answer so she dialed the number and a local man picked up the phone. She said sorry wrong number and hung up. A few minutes later my phone rings. It is the mysterious number. I answered the phone and said, “good evening, you texted me this morning, who is this.”

This is where it goes beyond awkward and becomes downright uncomfortable. The man begins to giggle and says “I delivered your pizza last night.” I said “oooohhhhh” and promptly hung up. I handed my phone to my friend and asked her to verify that the number on the text was the same that I just received. Not knowing whether to delight in the “satisfraction” that I am "beautiful man" or poor some boiling water over my body I called our commo guy and arranged to get a new phone number first thing in the morning.

I then stopped at the store on the way home and purchased scouring pads and bleach. Don't call, I won't answer as I will be in the shower for the next couple of hours.