Holiday Spirit

Today I started my Christmas shopping. Since I only shop for Emily it should be an easy task. The only problem is that she never wants anything. That is probably a quality that many men would like in a woman. I say that it is a pain. I am easy to shop for the following is a list of things I would want for Christmas:

1. A new iPod with the 160 GB

2. A set of new grips for my mountain bike

3. Another mountain bike (if you could not find new grips)

4. New Baggie biking shorts (I like Endura products)

5. A gun (not picky but an Assault Rifle is preferred)

6. Rock Band for the X BOX 360 so the kids and I can live my Partridge Family fantasy

7. A torque wrench for my bike (in/lbs)

8. Winter riding gloves

9. Warm weather full finger riding gloves (Specialized BG gloves are great)

10. Insulated/windproof riding tights

11. A knife (any length as long as it cuts stuff)

12. A remote control car (several or I would have to share with the kids)

13. A Grill (who doesn't want a set of diamond studded teeth?)

14. A Grill (to cook meat on)

15. An i Tunes card so I can fill my i Pod with 160 GB of stuff

16. Outdoor speakers

17. A bacon variety pack of Daily's Bacon

18. Chips and Salsa (Medium, I am sensitive)

19. Bicycle shoe covers to keep my toes warm

20. New Allen wrenches

I will stop at 20 because I think I have made my point. I am easy to shop for. Emily on the other hand is not. For our 11th anniversary, she said she wanted diamond earrings. No problem, Olivia and I went out in search of diamond earrings. Emily specifically stated she wanted a 1/4 karat. I don't know what she expected, so I conducted a test. I casually suggested that I get Emily a bike, she said "no that would cost at least $600." I began to sweat profusely, I had officially done wrong. Olivia and I both had agreed that you could barely see 1/4 karat (total weight) diamond earrings and we chose the 1/2 karat. We had also spent about $600, a price to which she clearly had rejected (at least in the form of a bike). It was too late, as the king of good intentions I had also paid extra to put screw on backs on the earrings. Then she opened them and said "those are bigger then I expected." She doesn't wear them because they hurt her ears. So I have pretty much eliminated jewelry from the list.

For her birthday I bought her some shirts, but since she has many shirts she doesn't wear them often. She will not be getting clothes. I was thinking about lingerie, but that is more of a gift for me. So there I was, wandering the store looking for something that would not be too expensive or too insignificant. It was at that point that I made a number of observations.

1. I hate Christmas from the standpoint that it is way to commercial (unless you are getting me something, then it is just the spirit of the season)

2. I hate people, maybe hate is a strong word, but so is my hatred for people.

3. There is no such thing as holiday spirit. Unless by holiday spirit you mean the spirit that drives people to trample over others to get the last set of headphones that are on sale. To that I say "I don't care if you have a walker with tennis balls on the legs, you better move faster because I got the last set of headphones that were on sale!!"

After a failed attempt at purchasing a adequate gift (by adequate I of course mean something she wants that is not to expensive or stupid) I decided to go to the commissary on Fort Lee to purchase some California Rolls and a Red Bull. By the way, wasabi and Red Bull don't go well together. As I was walking in I ran into a co-worker who stated that he had walked through the door, saw the commotion, did an about face, and walked out. I did not heed to his warning and purchasing lunch proved to be a mistake (the commissary, not the wasabi/Red Bull mix) and I should have turned around when a friend told me to run away.

Instead I found myself fighting through people who were stocking up for both Christmas entertaining (which is not all that entertaining) and for the expected snow this weekend. Every register was open and the line extended half way around the store. Seriously, it was bad. So I naturally went to the shortest line which turned out to be a self check out line. I quickly found out why it was the shortest line. A piece of cardboard was stuck to the self check out line. It said:

"This register don't take cash or debit"

I thought, well if it "don't" take cash or debit I will just use the credit card and get the hell out of here. There was one flaw to this, the old guy at the self check out! (queue ominous music)

I am assuming that every one is familiar or has at least seen a self check out isle. Like the ATM it was created for both the convenience of the customer and to save the business from having to employ several people. Unlike the ATM it is neither convenient for the customer and they require people to help because they are hard to use. Additionally, I pay the same for the food whether some guy checks me out or if I do it. I should at least get some money knocked off for my labor.

Back to the old guy, it is clear that he had not used a computer since, well probably since computer monitors ceased to monochrome. So there I stood holding my Red Bull and sushi while he tried to figure out how to ring up 6 items. At one point he rang up some bananas wrong. The computer voice told him to put them in the bag. He then began to argue with the computer stating that he was not putting them in the bag because the were not the right price. Twenty minutes later he finally made it out of there.

Old people should not be able to use self check out at the grocery store! By the way, it is a computer and even though it is talking to you, it cannot understand you so arguing with it only prolongs an already painful experience.

As if that was not bad enough, I decided to take the kids to the mall to shop for a gift. Emily said she wanted some perfume, the problem is that I am not fond of the the smell of that particular type of perfume. So I decided to let the kids help me "surprise" Emily. The fact that the word surprise is in quotes should be a hint for future blogs. As for holiday spirit, there will be more to come. Maybe I should just get her an assault rifle.

Racing to Disaster

Today I took a big step. I decided to ride the Basso to work and I didn’t care if it got dirty. Up to this point it has been hanging on the wall like a knock off Picasso (I prefer Monet, but Picasso rhymes with Basso). It has been raining a lot lately. Not only have I become soft, I know that the residue from the road will get on my white Rolls seat and in every nook and cranny on the bike. I know that at some point I will ride it regularly and the clean, freshly lubed chain will become black with use. That the aluminum chain rings will also get black with grime around the teeth.

Once it gets dirty or a scratch/chip I will have no reservations whatsoever to ride it rain or shine. This leads me to an interesting thought. Humans are peculiar for several reasons. First, we preserve or protect what we seek to harm or destroy. Other times we seek to preserve what should be used. Take the Rocky Mountain Elk Foundation. This organization seeks to protect and preserve elk habitat, allowing them to grow big….so we can kill them. Yellowstone National Park is another example with about 2 million people visiting every year. Although Yellowstone was preserved for our enjoyment, snow machine (sorry I spent time in Alaska) use in the winter is considered polluting and loud. Seriously, with 2 million people visiting we are concerned with noise and pollution?

Anyway, now that I am out of my philosophical mood, so I decided to race to work on my bike (the Basso is geared for racing so I cannot saunter or coast anywhere on it). I would like to say that it was not a good day to have the Basso on the road. True, these circumstances may have been the same no matter what bike I was on. The first happened as I was passing through Lee Avenue Gate onto Fort Lee. No matter how you get on post, you must show identification. So there I was, one foot on the ground and a hand in the air to get my card back from the security officer when I felt a sudden jolt. At first I thought it was my imagination. Then it occurred to me that the man in the car behind me had rolled into my rear wheel. As I said to the security guy “that guy just bumped me, he rolled into me again.” Being that I am a peace loving individual, and buy that I mean to say that I like to avoid confrontation in front of security guards with 9 mm pistols.

So I decided I would follow him to his destination and confront him there. The problem was that he would not drive next to me or past me. So I looked back and saw him turn into the health clinic. I raced (because I have a bike geared for racing) back to find him. I saw his car and noticed two things, one was that my tire mark was on his bumper. Two was that he had a Sergeant Major sticker on his window. Even though I technically out rank a Sergeant Major, they can make my life miserable and they usually are in cahoots with a person that does out rank me. So I girded up my loins when I saw a man that closely resembled a crippled and really old Santa Claus step out of his car. This very well may be his modus operandi, “if I look old and crippled and smell like urine I can get away with anything.” Well he did, I can only imagine how bad it would look if I was yelling at some old guy with handicap plates. So I nicely told him that he should be more careful. He then gave me some stupid excuse as to why he ran into me. Then I raced away to work (because I have a bike geared for racing).

So after a long, boring, and painful day of work, I had my ride to look forward to. I raced away from my office (because I have a bike geared for racing). I tried to make it through a left arrow traffic signal and decided I was not going to make it through no matter how my bike was geared. As I raced to a stop, I did not notice that I had travelled past the big white bar on the road and since I was in the left turn lane I could scoot to the side of the road. Several cars turned past me with no problem. Then the light began to turn amber and a lady in a big Cadillac (no offense to any in-laws that may have driven Cadillac) decided she was going to race through it (apparently her car is also geared for racing). In doing so it was necessary to cut the turn a little where she missed my front wheel by a couple of inches. It is true that I was slightly past the white line, however, I was covered in reflective material and a bright red jacket (which also had reflective material on it).

I have always tried to wear bright colors and use extremely bright lights and reflective gear. Additionally, I obey traffic lights and signs just as I would do in a car. I have not had this many close calls in a single day of my entire life. Well except for those times I was shot at and hit by roadside bombs in Iraq, but you know what I mean.

The Tsunami Holiday Photo

Here are the Holiday photos of the kids. Of course the first is the good, then followed by the not so good but real kids. Click on the picture for a larger version. I cannot believe everyone is smiling in the first photo (Noah excluded). I have a theory that Noah cannot smile due to the size of his neck. He does not have enough muscles in his face to smile and support the additional weight. Also note the presence of a Star Wars Storm Trooper in Simon's hand. He always has something in his hands, typically Hippo. That storm trooper was made in 1977 and has been in the family for 32 years.

The Mistress and Other Random Thoughts

The Mistress

OK, maybe I need to start off by finding a new name for my new bike. The next thing I would like to do is apologize for my Halloween blog, it is full of typographic and grammatical errors. I have found that it is a bad idea to do anything while on Ambien. This is especially true of blogging and Facebook. The next day I discover that I have done something horribly embarrassing and quickly rush to delete any ridiculous comments. In the case of the Halloween blog, I didn't realize I had posted it for a couple of days. That is enough about the Ambien induced ramblings and back to the subject of naming my bike.

If anyone can think of a name that is less suggestive then "The Mistress" please let me know by commenting below, it bothers Emily when I say I am going to spend some quality time with my "Mistress." This bike is possibly the smoothest riding bike I have ever owned.

There is still plenty of room for Olivia's bike at Christmas

Although I am having a hard time getting used to the Italian components (the shifters are set up differently) I will soon get the hang of it. Right now I am having a hard time wanting to get it dirty. Riding it on a wet street would result in road grime getting in groves. For those of you who don't care about bikes, it would be like the first time you spill a 32 ounce Coke in your car. No matter how hard you try, you can never get the Coke out of the groves and the buttons always stick. However, once I get past the grime it is game on. This is similar to getting your first door ding on a new car, after which you will park next to this car at Wal-mart with no reservations.

PeopleofWalMart.com

In fact, it felt weird putting lubricant on the chain. This bike has never been ridden, which is why it has not had oil on the chain. I purchased this bike on 23 October and was able to ride it for the first time on Sunday. Tomorrow I will take it to the battlefield for some miles. That is if it is not raining, mainly because I am a wimp, not because I do not want to get it wet. Once again, please let me know if you can come up with a better name. I am really going after something that passes the ride test. For those who are not familiar with the "ride test," you must be able to say "I am going to ride (insert name of bike here)" without being offensive. I also recommend that you make suggestions while Ambien free. Thanks.

Hippo

It has been a while since I have updated this blog. Although new material presents itself daily, it is hard to keep up with my "man journal." Today I would like to address someone that is truely special to our family; Simon's dear friend Hippo. Emily and I noticed that in an ever growing number of pictures, there is a small blue friend hidden within.

Hippo was a gift given to Vance, who never was interested in the plush blue rattle toy. It went into a box and was brought out for Simon. For some reason, Simon has become quite fond of him. Here are some pictures and a video of Hippo and Simon.

It has gotten to the point where they are inseparable. Thank goodness for e-bay, we now have three since he goes everywhere and gets dirty. It has a rattle inside so you always know where Simon is.

The Most Hallowed of Holidays

In my humble and unsolicited opinion, I believe that Halloween is possibly the greatest of all holidays. Why it is not a Federally recognized holiday is beyond me. Of all of the reasons to take a day off, staying up late to trick-or-treat is worth at least the day after (one must recover from the hours of escorting kids through the streets). True this year was on a Saturday night, but take 2005, October 31 was on a Monday night. The point is, that if we have a federally holiday that recognizes an individual that managed to sail three ships into a piece of land comprising of not just one, but two continents, at a minimum we should get the day after Halloween.

But wait, for many there are hours of preparation involved, so really it should be two days off. An example of this is the guy that built the coffin and put it in his yard. Then he waited until my two unsuspecting children walked by, then leaping out of the box and sending my children into a frenzy.

In spite of the injustice, Halloween is about one thing and one thing only!

Although the booty was acceptable, I learned a lot from this year and I am already planning for next year. I will now go into detail about the lessons learned:

1. My kids are weak. We only walked a couple of miles before Vance and Olivia began to whine. I did my best to motivate them, but regardless of how much I yelled at them, they lacked the intestinal fortitude to continue. It was only after incessant whining that I finally called upon our SAG support. Much like the French in any major conflict, my children quit as soon as the going got tough.

2. My kids are chickens. When the nice man wearing the happy skeleton mask went to the effort to crawl from the side of the house, in the dark, to give the kids candy they rewarded his efforts by running away. After scolding the kids for their rude behavior, I also explained to them the same way the Russian officers eplained to their soldiers at the Battle of Stalingrad that if they came back without candy I would give them something to be scared of. True, it has been a while since my Russian history class at the University of Montana, but I am sure it was something to that effect.

3. People are cheap. First of all Halloween is about candy. If you do not want to participate, turn off your lights and don't waste my time. I know, it is about the children.....don't waste my time. While some are very generous, many gave crap, which hardly makes up for those who aren't.

a. One lady gave us what appeared to be a dollar bill, however, upon closer inspection it was some religious stuff that stated we were all sinners and we are going to burn in hell (or something like that). I hope she burns in hell as I had to explain to my daughter it was not real. At a minimum I hope somebody threw some eggs at her house. Wow, maybe I will burn in hell. But seriously, don't give that crap to a 7 year old girl.

b. Just because they are rich doesn't mean their candy will be good. In fact they are probably rich because they don't spend money. Additionally, people with big houses have big yards. Big yards means long driveways. Moreover, if the lights are off on a couple of houses in a row, you could easily walk 1/8th to 1/4 of a mile between houses offering candy. Our neighbor hood is much better suited for trick or treating based on lot size alone. I will not make this mistake again.

c. We got an abundance of off brand candy. I like chocolate, but that stuff in the generic foil wrap would probably be rejected by kids in a randomly chosen developing nation. No matter how hard you try, you can never get all of the foil off which sends anyone with dental work into a fit. I hope they burn in hell too.

The Weekend

Admittedly, my last post may have been a little over the top. Some people (of the three followers) were very concerned about it. I would like to state on the record, that after dealing with Emily, Olivia, Vance, Simon, and Noah everyday I barely have enough energy to get any work done. If I do get free time, I sleep, even at my desk.

That being said, October 3rd is always a tough day for me. Three years ago while patrolling in Baghdad to the south of Sadr City one of my squad leaders, Staff Sergeant Jonathon Rojas, was killed by a sniper. We were in our 15th month in Iraq and SSG Rojas had served in numerous positions for me; as a team leader, he was my vehicle commander, and eventually my 3rd squad leader. He was an outstanding leader and I didn't have to worry about anything he was put in charge of. It could have been one of any soldier in that intersection that day but he was the one. Kids were throwing rocks at his vehicle and I was on the ground trying to find out where it was coming from so my interpreter could get rid of them. The bullet cracked past a couple of us and hit SSG Rojas.

For the past few years I have struggled with the anniversary of this event. As stated, it could have been any one of about 5 people at that location, including me. It was a very sobering experience and I have struggled with how to commemorate this day each year. I have decided that the best way to deal with this experience is to celebrate life, mine and his.

What a better way to celebrate life then a Forced Family Outing (FFO). A FFO is a time honored tradition where you load all of the kids in the car, usually against their will, to have a "good time." This particular celebration of life would include going to Portsmouth to look at a bike and then to Yorktown to do some sightseeing. I also told the kids we would go look at ships in the Chesapeake Bay, which was somehow translated into riding on a boat.

We loaded into the van and began the beautiful drive through rural Virginia. As we passed through small communities and cotton fields it almost felt like we were driving through Eastern Montana, only it was green. After about 30 minutes, the tranquility of the drive came to a screeching halt. Olivia tearfully shouted "he is touching me!" Vance cried as Olivia took his stuff. Olivia cried as Vance took her stuff.

Emily's typical cool and calm demeanor cracked, I briefly thought the girl from the exorcist was driving. Emily's head actually spun around.

There we were in some small town in rural Virginia changing out car seats. Simon went back, Vance came forward. Fearing that Emily would drive us into the Nansemond River, I took over the helm. From that point on it was relatively peaceful, except Vance would not stop talking about riding on a boat. That we can deal with.

We got to Portsmouth and we looked at the bike. Bike shops are always a production, the kids cannot seem to resist ringing the bells on the kids bikes. They somehow are drawn to the $5,000-10,000 bicycles. It is much like going to a Chevrolet dealership and your kids run over to crawl in the showroom Corvette. If you have kids, you know what I mean.

After that we went to Newport News, where a couple of aircraft carriers and other ships docked for maintenance. There is a bay side park that you can see them from. Too close to the bay for our kids, I could see Olivia "touching" Vance to the point that he would fall off the dock and into the water. It was off to our next destination on our FFO.

Yorktown is a fun area to go for a history lesson. It has also become very trendy, they have a great beach on the York River and I thought it would be fun for the kids to run around. On our way to Yorktown, we passed the Bass Pro Shop. The kids love aquariums, over the years we have taken them to numerous aquariums. They have seen a lot of fish, sea turtles, and alligators. The problem is that aquariums are expensive, so over the years I have convinced the kids that Bass Pro Shops is an aquarium....a free aquarium. It is not far from the truth, they typically have great aquariums, trout rivers, and small ponds full of fish. The drawback is that they are full of rednecks and real tree camouflage (much like going to Wal-mart). Plus, I am tired of trying to explain to Olivia why she cannot have a "Hunter Ann" doll.

Seriously, she wants one?

They saw the sign and shouted that they wanted to go to the aquarium. Bass Pro Shops was not in my day to celebrate life agenda so the tranquility quickly passed into tears. That didn't last long as Vance went back to his request of riding boats.

We got to Yorktown which was very busy. We walked around for a while before we set the kids loose on the beach. Although the intent was not swimming (after all it was a chilly 80 degree fall day), it did not take long before the kids were wading further and further out. I would not have been surprised if they had jumped in.

Olivia loves to wear dresses and skirts. Since she is so active, Emily makes her wear shorts underneath dresses/skirts so her underwear do not show when she is goofing around. It was only a matter of minutes before the dress was getting wet.

Then she was in shorts. I am sure that had I given the go ahead, they would have been swimming.

Of course there were boats everywhere. Vance does not understand the concept of the private dock and boats. He was very upset that he did not get to ride on a boat. We missed the Schooner Alliance. Good thing because it isn't cheap. I will take Vance before the end of the year. I think he would love it.

On the way home, we had to stop at Chick-fil-a. We have never been to one that was dirty or had bad service. It is funny, when we had three kids, no body said a word. Since we have had newbie, we have gotten more comments. I guess the line of sanity is draw at three. While there, the manager asked if we were just getting started. Apparently the glow on our faces didn't clearly identify our exhaustion.

On Sunday, we decided to enjoy the afternoon on another Forced Family Outing. We went for a walk on the battlefield. We walked a mile loop and everyone did very well.

After looking at this picture, it occurred to me why the guy at Chick-fil-a mentioned our family. We create quite a path in true tsunami form.