I Lost a Child!

I would like to start off this post with an amazing fact. The fact is about 1 year ago, I weighed in at 243 pounds. It was not muscle. A few weeks ago I weighed in at 213 pounds. That is thirty pounds. Just think about that. Now look at the picture below.

That is Simon, who needed a lift. He weighs about 34 pounds I have lost almost a 2 year old child’s worth of fat. Where did I keep it, obviously the weight was not on my left leg like Simon. Where was it? Check it out for yourself.

My Head

Two peas in a pod?

Anyway, here is a more recent photo (and a shameless ploy to show off a deer). Pretty amazing.

Me, not the deer (although that is pretty amazing too). My head is not nearly as fat.

I never thought I would have a weight issue, then one day I awakened and my clothes didn't fit. It is amazing to be lighter again and the pain in my knees has subsided. The secret, don't eat a bag of chips and a ton of soda everyday if you find yourself sitting behind a desk all day.

Holiday Spirit

Today I started my Christmas shopping. Since I only shop for Emily it should be an easy task. The only problem is that she never wants anything. That is probably a quality that many men would like in a woman. I say that it is a pain. I am easy to shop for the following is a list of things I would want for Christmas:

1. A new iPod with the 160 GB

2. A set of new grips for my mountain bike

3. Another mountain bike (if you could not find new grips)

4. New Baggie biking shorts (I like Endura products)

5. A gun (not picky but an Assault Rifle is preferred)

6. Rock Band for the X BOX 360 so the kids and I can live my Partridge Family fantasy

7. A torque wrench for my bike (in/lbs)

8. Winter riding gloves

9. Warm weather full finger riding gloves (Specialized BG gloves are great)

10. Insulated/windproof riding tights

11. A knife (any length as long as it cuts stuff)

12. A remote control car (several or I would have to share with the kids)

13. A Grill (who doesn't want a set of diamond studded teeth?)

14. A Grill (to cook meat on)

15. An i Tunes card so I can fill my i Pod with 160 GB of stuff

16. Outdoor speakers

17. A bacon variety pack of Daily's Bacon

18. Chips and Salsa (Medium, I am sensitive)

19. Bicycle shoe covers to keep my toes warm

20. New Allen wrenches

I will stop at 20 because I think I have made my point. I am easy to shop for. Emily on the other hand is not. For our 11th anniversary, she said she wanted diamond earrings. No problem, Olivia and I went out in search of diamond earrings. Emily specifically stated she wanted a 1/4 karat. I don't know what she expected, so I conducted a test. I casually suggested that I get Emily a bike, she said "no that would cost at least $600." I began to sweat profusely, I had officially done wrong. Olivia and I both had agreed that you could barely see 1/4 karat (total weight) diamond earrings and we chose the 1/2 karat. We had also spent about $600, a price to which she clearly had rejected (at least in the form of a bike). It was too late, as the king of good intentions I had also paid extra to put screw on backs on the earrings. Then she opened them and said "those are bigger then I expected." She doesn't wear them because they hurt her ears. So I have pretty much eliminated jewelry from the list.

For her birthday I bought her some shirts, but since she has many shirts she doesn't wear them often. She will not be getting clothes. I was thinking about lingerie, but that is more of a gift for me. So there I was, wandering the store looking for something that would not be too expensive or too insignificant. It was at that point that I made a number of observations.

1. I hate Christmas from the standpoint that it is way to commercial (unless you are getting me something, then it is just the spirit of the season)

2. I hate people, maybe hate is a strong word, but so is my hatred for people.

3. There is no such thing as holiday spirit. Unless by holiday spirit you mean the spirit that drives people to trample over others to get the last set of headphones that are on sale. To that I say "I don't care if you have a walker with tennis balls on the legs, you better move faster because I got the last set of headphones that were on sale!!"

After a failed attempt at purchasing a adequate gift (by adequate I of course mean something she wants that is not to expensive or stupid) I decided to go to the commissary on Fort Lee to purchase some California Rolls and a Red Bull. By the way, wasabi and Red Bull don't go well together. As I was walking in I ran into a co-worker who stated that he had walked through the door, saw the commotion, did an about face, and walked out. I did not heed to his warning and purchasing lunch proved to be a mistake (the commissary, not the wasabi/Red Bull mix) and I should have turned around when a friend told me to run away.

Instead I found myself fighting through people who were stocking up for both Christmas entertaining (which is not all that entertaining) and for the expected snow this weekend. Every register was open and the line extended half way around the store. Seriously, it was bad. So I naturally went to the shortest line which turned out to be a self check out line. I quickly found out why it was the shortest line. A piece of cardboard was stuck to the self check out line. It said:

"This register don't take cash or debit"

I thought, well if it "don't" take cash or debit I will just use the credit card and get the hell out of here. There was one flaw to this, the old guy at the self check out! (queue ominous music)

I am assuming that every one is familiar or has at least seen a self check out isle. Like the ATM it was created for both the convenience of the customer and to save the business from having to employ several people. Unlike the ATM it is neither convenient for the customer and they require people to help because they are hard to use. Additionally, I pay the same for the food whether some guy checks me out or if I do it. I should at least get some money knocked off for my labor.

Back to the old guy, it is clear that he had not used a computer since, well probably since computer monitors ceased to monochrome. So there I stood holding my Red Bull and sushi while he tried to figure out how to ring up 6 items. At one point he rang up some bananas wrong. The computer voice told him to put them in the bag. He then began to argue with the computer stating that he was not putting them in the bag because the were not the right price. Twenty minutes later he finally made it out of there.

Old people should not be able to use self check out at the grocery store! By the way, it is a computer and even though it is talking to you, it cannot understand you so arguing with it only prolongs an already painful experience.

As if that was not bad enough, I decided to take the kids to the mall to shop for a gift. Emily said she wanted some perfume, the problem is that I am not fond of the the smell of that particular type of perfume. So I decided to let the kids help me "surprise" Emily. The fact that the word surprise is in quotes should be a hint for future blogs. As for holiday spirit, there will be more to come. Maybe I should just get her an assault rifle.

Racing to Disaster

Today I took a big step. I decided to ride the Basso to work and I didn’t care if it got dirty. Up to this point it has been hanging on the wall like a knock off Picasso (I prefer Monet, but Picasso rhymes with Basso). It has been raining a lot lately. Not only have I become soft, I know that the residue from the road will get on my white Rolls seat and in every nook and cranny on the bike. I know that at some point I will ride it regularly and the clean, freshly lubed chain will become black with use. That the aluminum chain rings will also get black with grime around the teeth.

Once it gets dirty or a scratch/chip I will have no reservations whatsoever to ride it rain or shine. This leads me to an interesting thought. Humans are peculiar for several reasons. First, we preserve or protect what we seek to harm or destroy. Other times we seek to preserve what should be used. Take the Rocky Mountain Elk Foundation. This organization seeks to protect and preserve elk habitat, allowing them to grow big….so we can kill them. Yellowstone National Park is another example with about 2 million people visiting every year. Although Yellowstone was preserved for our enjoyment, snow machine (sorry I spent time in Alaska) use in the winter is considered polluting and loud. Seriously, with 2 million people visiting we are concerned with noise and pollution?

Anyway, now that I am out of my philosophical mood, so I decided to race to work on my bike (the Basso is geared for racing so I cannot saunter or coast anywhere on it). I would like to say that it was not a good day to have the Basso on the road. True, these circumstances may have been the same no matter what bike I was on. The first happened as I was passing through Lee Avenue Gate onto Fort Lee. No matter how you get on post, you must show identification. So there I was, one foot on the ground and a hand in the air to get my card back from the security officer when I felt a sudden jolt. At first I thought it was my imagination. Then it occurred to me that the man in the car behind me had rolled into my rear wheel. As I said to the security guy “that guy just bumped me, he rolled into me again.” Being that I am a peace loving individual, and buy that I mean to say that I like to avoid confrontation in front of security guards with 9 mm pistols.

So I decided I would follow him to his destination and confront him there. The problem was that he would not drive next to me or past me. So I looked back and saw him turn into the health clinic. I raced (because I have a bike geared for racing) back to find him. I saw his car and noticed two things, one was that my tire mark was on his bumper. Two was that he had a Sergeant Major sticker on his window. Even though I technically out rank a Sergeant Major, they can make my life miserable and they usually are in cahoots with a person that does out rank me. So I girded up my loins when I saw a man that closely resembled a crippled and really old Santa Claus step out of his car. This very well may be his modus operandi, “if I look old and crippled and smell like urine I can get away with anything.” Well he did, I can only imagine how bad it would look if I was yelling at some old guy with handicap plates. So I nicely told him that he should be more careful. He then gave me some stupid excuse as to why he ran into me. Then I raced away to work (because I have a bike geared for racing).

So after a long, boring, and painful day of work, I had my ride to look forward to. I raced away from my office (because I have a bike geared for racing). I tried to make it through a left arrow traffic signal and decided I was not going to make it through no matter how my bike was geared. As I raced to a stop, I did not notice that I had travelled past the big white bar on the road and since I was in the left turn lane I could scoot to the side of the road. Several cars turned past me with no problem. Then the light began to turn amber and a lady in a big Cadillac (no offense to any in-laws that may have driven Cadillac) decided she was going to race through it (apparently her car is also geared for racing). In doing so it was necessary to cut the turn a little where she missed my front wheel by a couple of inches. It is true that I was slightly past the white line, however, I was covered in reflective material and a bright red jacket (which also had reflective material on it).

I have always tried to wear bright colors and use extremely bright lights and reflective gear. Additionally, I obey traffic lights and signs just as I would do in a car. I have not had this many close calls in a single day of my entire life. Well except for those times I was shot at and hit by roadside bombs in Iraq, but you know what I mean.

The Tsunami Holiday Photo

Here are the Holiday photos of the kids. Of course the first is the good, then followed by the not so good but real kids. Click on the picture for a larger version. I cannot believe everyone is smiling in the first photo (Noah excluded). I have a theory that Noah cannot smile due to the size of his neck. He does not have enough muscles in his face to smile and support the additional weight. Also note the presence of a Star Wars Storm Trooper in Simon's hand. He always has something in his hands, typically Hippo. That storm trooper was made in 1977 and has been in the family for 32 years.

The Mistress and Other Random Thoughts

The Mistress

OK, maybe I need to start off by finding a new name for my new bike. The next thing I would like to do is apologize for my Halloween blog, it is full of typographic and grammatical errors. I have found that it is a bad idea to do anything while on Ambien. This is especially true of blogging and Facebook. The next day I discover that I have done something horribly embarrassing and quickly rush to delete any ridiculous comments. In the case of the Halloween blog, I didn't realize I had posted it for a couple of days. That is enough about the Ambien induced ramblings and back to the subject of naming my bike.

If anyone can think of a name that is less suggestive then "The Mistress" please let me know by commenting below, it bothers Emily when I say I am going to spend some quality time with my "Mistress." This bike is possibly the smoothest riding bike I have ever owned.

There is still plenty of room for Olivia's bike at Christmas

Although I am having a hard time getting used to the Italian components (the shifters are set up differently) I will soon get the hang of it. Right now I am having a hard time wanting to get it dirty. Riding it on a wet street would result in road grime getting in groves. For those of you who don't care about bikes, it would be like the first time you spill a 32 ounce Coke in your car. No matter how hard you try, you can never get the Coke out of the groves and the buttons always stick. However, once I get past the grime it is game on. This is similar to getting your first door ding on a new car, after which you will park next to this car at Wal-mart with no reservations.

PeopleofWalMart.com

In fact, it felt weird putting lubricant on the chain. This bike has never been ridden, which is why it has not had oil on the chain. I purchased this bike on 23 October and was able to ride it for the first time on Sunday. Tomorrow I will take it to the battlefield for some miles. That is if it is not raining, mainly because I am a wimp, not because I do not want to get it wet. Once again, please let me know if you can come up with a better name. I am really going after something that passes the ride test. For those who are not familiar with the "ride test," you must be able to say "I am going to ride (insert name of bike here)" without being offensive. I also recommend that you make suggestions while Ambien free. Thanks.