Thursday, April 15, 2010

So Unbelievable It Has To Be True!

When Emily and I got married in 1998 we purchased a small T.V./VCR combo with a 13 inch screen. That was our t.v. for six years. For many years it sat on the dresser in our bedroom where we would watch videos since we didn't have cable. Our favorite was the romantic comedy You've Got Mail. Believe it or not, I am a sucker for a good romantic comedy. That is not the amazing part of this story though.

Emily and I have always despised the concept of the t.v. being the center piece of the main room of the house. People would always ask us where our t.v. was. Smugly we would explain that we only had a 13 inch television. Then in 2003 we moved to Fairbanks, Alaska. It was going to take 40 days for our stuff to arrive so we went to Sam's Club and bought a 27 incher. We had more then double our viewing capacity. We smugly put it upstairs out of the main family room. Friends and guests always asked if we had a t.v.

Don't worry, there is a point to this story. When we moved to Fort Lee, Virginia we got froggy. After 9 years of marital bliss, we decided to get cable. This was a big step. I was bragging at work about how we got cable, people looked at me as if I just crawled out of a hole from the 1950s. You guessed it, the t.v. was hidden upstairs in a spare bedroom. People would ask if we had a t.v. Our response was less smug now that we had cable.

Then we bought a house off post cancelled the cable and everything was great until Simon pushed the power button on our 27 incher until the button broke off. He found great joy in turning off our t.v. while the kids were watching Dora reruns on DVD. He would smile as they yelled. Then one day he pushed the button all the way in. Emily and I decided that our huge (in weight and girth) t.v. had to go. It had served us well but after 11 1/2 years it was time to upgrade.

Now all televisions are flat and big. We used to mock those whose televisions were the center piece of their house. We could not stand it when people left them run whether someone was watching or not. Useless noise and commotion.
This is where the story becomes somewhat unbelievable, but even I could not make up something like this. So gird up your loins and hold on!!!!!

My mother bought the kids a Wii, a machine created by the devil himself. I got so tired of hearing about the Wii that I moved the broken 27 inch t.v. and the Wii into our small cinder block basement. Although the Wii is amazingly small and light, the 27 incher was not. But in a most manly manner, I picked up the monster and the devil machine and down we went. Literally. I tweaked my back and could barely move for two days. I then moved a 13 inch t.v. I bought in Iraq into the family room and that became our main t.v.

Back to the glory days, but this would not last long. Emily made it clear that my smugness would not be tolerated. She suggested we by a flat screen and hang it on the wall out of the reach of Simon. Sounded good to me. So I suggested the 32 inch flat screen, just slightly larger then what we had before.

Emily and I walked into Best Buy and started shopping, I pointed out the 32 inch and she said "That is too small!" What had happened to the woman that I married. I thought back to a time before we were married when a friend of ours, the man who married us had sat us down for some pre-marital advice. He had warned us that people change over time and not be be surprised years down the road.

But this, I was not prepared for this. I figured he was talking about weight gain, shifting political views, or heaven forbid....infidelity. But here we were at a serious cross roads. I was happy with 13 inches of bliss, I would settle for 32; but after 11 years of union she wanted a much bigger television. We debated for a while; my heart began to crack as we purchased a 42 inch t.v.

I know that this is hard to believe, most would think that it would be me who would want this, remember though, I couldn't make this up. It gets worse. I know you are thinking "how could it get worse?" Emily then stated that she wanted Directv. It felt as though Paul Bunyan himself had driven a giant wedge into my heart as Babe the Blue Ox pulled it apart. So I called the satellite people. Now there is a dish in my yard. It is like a perverted Sistine Chapel, the dish's one hand reaching to the heavens for life from the hand of Ted Turner.

Maybe I am a bit over dramatic, but as I hung this monstrosity on the wall I thought, well at least if I was going to hang the T.V. where I planned to hang my next bike, I would be able to watch bicycle racing on Versus, the only channel in the United States that offers it.

To add insult to injury, out of 250 channels, Directv does not offer Versus, and where will I hang my next bike; I have already had to move two bikes into the basement with the devil machine and the 27 incher.


  1. Thanks for the laugh Brent! Our rule is only 1 TV in the house and no more. Also, the Wii has been removed for the summer and our kids are not allowed to play during the week. I am requesting a special post on having 2 dogs. I remember when you got the first one... I thought you guys were crazy. Well... after 10 years of resistance from me and being outnumber 5-1, THEY one and we have a 6 month old puppy. It's been only a few weeks and I have wished OUT LOUD for a cat instead of a dog a few times already.

  2. OMG, I apologize for spelling won as one!